Clean & Bright

"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you see the world."  - George Bernard Shaw

The first time I ever read this quote was in a bible class in high school. I was meticulously keeping a journal at the time and saw this quote in small letters in the margin of my textbook. I wrote the quote in big letters in the middle of one of my journal pages. I felt it was important enough to have one whole page of its own. It was the kind of quote that felt like when a song gets stuck in your head.

These words have quietly reappeared in the margins of my life during different experiences and circumstances I have faced over the years. I always thought it was strange because it is not a scripture and it probably was not meant to be amazingly spiritual. Maybe God just liked the way the British playwright (George Bernard Shaw) put things. Does God use the elegant words of creative people to redirect our eyes toward the Father? Is this even allowed? I've always just let it happen. 

Things have not come easily this year. Lots of change, lots of effort, lots of realizing that things sometimes just don't work out like you think they will. I hear people sometimes refer to these hard times as the "real world." The harsh and disappointing realities of adulthood. I would be lying if I told you that things have just been peaches, kittens, and lighting bugs these past few months. 

There is something that happens to you when you come to terms with the fact that some things might not be as accessible or attainable as you thought. When you become closely acquainted with the word No. When options become slim. When there is not much else that can be done. 

I remember where I was when this happened. I had just found out about another job opportunity falling through and I was sitting in a metal church chair looking at my sink full of dirty dishes. It was sunny and my dog was eating. The world didn't stop for me.

This may sound strange but I felt like something in my soul aged, hardened, and turned a grayish color. The color of my sink. I felt like I lost the sweet and shiny belief in amazing stories and things that are possible. It was a hollow and terrible feeling. I remember wondering if this was the real world that everyone talks about. 

I know this all sounds so gloomy, but I wonder if anyone else can relate to an experience like this. 

I think there are different reactions to this experience. Some people (like my Mike) become highly motivated by this challenge and decide to retaliate. Others take it more slowly and personally in an effort to process and analyze the issue from all angles (this person happens to be more like myself). Either way there comes a decision.

What do we do with this? Do we close up, put our heads down, and work until our hearts and hands are dry? 

Or do we fight to stay clean and bright? 

Do we persevere to stay wide open?

I believe that this is part of the race that Paul so passionately talks about in the scriptures. I believe that God invites us to an abundant life right in the middle of the realities of life. I am finding it just takes some work, and discipline on our part to take part.

What if life really does have bright possibilities and joyful hopes all along? What if the real world was more about fighting to keep your eyes open and your heart soft than embracing the way things have to be?

I am still sorting these questions out in my own mind, and I feel the Spirit asking me about what I will do. 

His Plan

Before the Task

         I remember the first time I ever saw my husband. I was just coming home with my best friend and he was sitting on my couch with my big brother. I gave him a quick side glance and told myself no. When I first heard that he was coming to do a summer internship at our church, I was resolved not to date a guy who went to Wesley College. These guys always seemed to date sisters and it always ended in broken hearts (haha). Years later, I realize they aren't so bad after all. Many of these guys are now our close friends. 

        What won me was how incredibly easy it was for me to talk to him. I was struck by how completely honest he was. He saw things as they were and was not afraid to say it. I loved this, but it also made me nervous (haha). He was confident, clever, he knew what he wanted, and if you talked with him long enough you would realize that he genuinely loved people and worked hard to be a loyal friend. I feel like he really saw me that summer. He wasn't afraid to ask questions. 

In the end, I fell for a Wesley College guy in my own kitchen ...how could I have been so reckless (haha)!!

        In our three years of marriage I am learning new things about him that I love. I am amazed at his humble heart and the fact that he is teachable. He challenges me here, because I am the kind of the person that wants to be good at something the first try. But he doesn't mind to learn, in fact he welcomes it, and most people don't know this about him when they first meet him. Mike is also genuinely happy most days. I know this may be a hilarious point to bring up, but all I know is that we have fun, and we laugh, and we move on when we fight, mostly because he is positive. Even though my emo/ deep thinking/ the world's gonna end side gets frustrated I am so grateful for his attitude. It changes the tone in our house. 

          As we have pursued church planting, we are beginning to see new things come to the surface. I have had the privilege of seeing a more vulnerable side of Mike in the past few months. There are a lot of decisions to make, a lot questions people are asking, and a lot of answers we just don't have. Sometimes we feel like we are 'making it up as we go along' (to quote the infamous Indiana Jones). We are learning that a good bowl of cereal is as good a dinner as any. That sometimes jobs don't just happen. We are learning what church really is, and Who the church belongs to. I'll be the first to say that church planting has already put us to the test in many ways already. But one thing that I admire most about Mike in this season of our lives is his vulnerable and resilient bravery. It takes a brave person to resist making decisions based on fear and deadlines. It takes a brave person to take his eyes off the task and put them on Christ (someone who is invisible, and sometimes really quiet). It takes a brave person to not turn to a plan B at the edge of the unknown. It takes a brave person to say that it is ok if they don't know, if they don't get the credit, if they don't have the answers all the time. It is this quality that makes me confident that I would follow Mike anywhere. 

I say all this not to just brag on Mike (even though I am totally ok with doing that), but to remind myself that I loved Mike before all that we had to do. 

Before the sermons, before the outreaches, before moving to Texas, before planting a church. 
I fell in love with just him. I don't love him more because he has titles or experience. These things just bring out what God was already putting inside of Him. My love grows the more time we have together. 

I loved Mike before the task, and this makes me sure that I will love him after. 

 'The Office.'  

Lancaster Avenue

There is a street near downtown Fort Worth called Lancaster Avenue. Most everybody in Fort Worth knows about this particular street. In one area the street is lined with homeless shelters and resource centers. When Mike and I first moved to Fort Worth we drove through this area and were overwhelmed with the amount of people we saw huddled at the doors of these shelters with all their belongings stuffed in black garbage bags. This overwhelmed feeling, turned to burden, that eventually turned into action. 

A couple in our launch team connected us with a woman named Marcia who has been serving in this area for many years now. She usually takes young people out to hand out pizza and tube socks to anyone who will take them. She also makes a point to have real conversations with these people about what is important to them. She is enthralling to watch. She asks them questions, holds their hands, prays for them, understands them. She gives those without homes dignity and points them to Christ. She says, "They are just people who are down on their luck...just people like us." 

One of my biggest fears in ministry is the inability to relate. I fear this more than speaking or even leading. Sometimes those in need have tragic stories and overwhelming experiences that they cope with every day. Sometimes those in need live in the cold and only think about survival. Sometimes those in need had no choice within their circumstances. They were betrayed, abandoned, broken, and forgotten. So when a person says, "What right have you to tell me anything. You don't know what I've been through." I would have to say, "You're right. I don't know." Conversation over. How effective was that... This is the ultimate call out...This is scary to me. 

I have to be honest and say that sometimes this fear has caused me to close my eyes and turn the other way. But this is the greatest tragedy of all. 

I am coming to understand that feeling like I can't relate to those in need is not a good enough excuse. 



It. Is. Not. Good. Enough. This excuse is for those who choose to be blind. 

I am coming to understand that all people relate because they are people. It is the circumstances and the experiences that may not be the same. I could have ended up under a bridge, or waiting to get into a shelter just like the next guy. We are people, we make decisions, we make mistakes, and things just happen. We are all in need.   

I was praying about this insecurity this past week and was convicted when I felt the Lord ask me this question: What would have happened to us if God would have said, "I don't think I will pursue humanity because I just don't really relate to them." 

God loved then pursued. 

For God so loved the world that He gave...

This brings great hope and freedom for those who feel locked in insecurity. 

We have the freedom to believe we aren't better than anyone. 

This means that if you love Christ, if you are burdened for those in need, if you love others, if you feel the call....this is all you need. 

This past Sunday Marcia took our launch team out to pass out pizza and care packages we had assembled earlier in the month. We followed her under bridges, up and down Lancaster, and into some of their homeless camps. It was pouring rain and freezing and exhilarating and real and we were happy. We were changing, we were relevant, we were like Jesus. 

We are loved. We love. We pursue. 

Little Kid Dog

This is Charlie. He is about 4 months old and has been an interesting addition to our little home. Mike and I found him on Craigslist this past January. I will never forget taking him home for the first time. He was a tiny fur ball that didn't make a sound and I was in love. He sat really still in my lap all the way home.... and Oh how this has changed...

Charlie is a miniature Australian shepherd. This breed is really smart and active. He is so attentive and I swear he understands what I am saying 99% of the time. He loves Mike and follows him around the house. He is also a herder dog. When we walk him he tries to heard all the runners that pass by. 

Charlie's accomplishments:

1. He knows how to sit

2. He knows how to come

3. He knows how to swim

 (We didn't know this until he jumped out of our kayak into the middle of a lake!)

4. He almost knows where to go to the bathroom

5. He has all his bottom teeth

This little kid dog has brought a lot of joy to our day to day. He has also caused us to learn the art of extreme patience at times. We love him, sweet Charlie. 

Inspiring Makers

I entered into a valentines loop giveaway last night on Instagram and came across a treasure trove of inspiring makers. I wanted to share my finds. Check them out! 

1. @wearableplanter 

Colleen Jordan designs beautiful planter necklaces and seed bombs. 

www.wearableplanter.com 

2. @anvilcreekco

This is a company based out of New South Wales. They create all natural soy wax candles

www.etsy.com/au/shop/AnvilCreekCo

3. @hello.halsted

Stephanie Jones creates unique titanium post earrings out of Chicago.

www.hellohalsted.etsy.com 

People in my room

Two Saturdays ago there were 30 people packed in my 750 square foot apartment.

I honestly was doubting if this would be possible.

I was proved wrong.

Mike and I hosted our January launch team party at our house. Our launch team parties are simple get togethers with every one who is committed or just plain interested in planting a church with us. It is chance to meet new people, catch up with old friends and make new ones. This last one was probably one of our best ones yet. We packed as many fold up chairs as possible along the edges of our living room. We also opened up the french doors to our bedroom and put some chairs in there too. It was madness, but fantastic madness. 

I found that this particular meeting put me to the test in some ways. As I was cleaning before the party I was realizing that every part of my house would most likely be on display. A large group of people would see the empty grey walls in our bedroom ( I plan on hanging pictures). They would see the sloppily painted paneling, and the fact that the refrigerator door is hooked on the wrong way. They would see our cheap target comforter and maybe notice that our pillow cases do not match in the least. The only thing that was not on display that night was our clothes closet in the farthest corner of our bedroom. I will not disclose to you what was packed in there to make room for everyone. 

There was a point during the evening when I was sitting on my bed with several other people ( it was being used as another piece of sitting furniture) and thinking, 

"There are so many people in my room..." 

Before I could figure out if this was ok with me or not, I realized that being in someone's room is something personal. It's usually a quiet place that is invitation only. If you're like me, it is a place where you quickly shove stuff before people come over. It is sometimes the place where you cry without reservation and fight most loudly. It is the place of rest when you are sick. Some rooms are safe havens, retreats, and almost sacred. When people are in your room they really see you. You become a little more vulnerable than usual. No hiding. 

In this moment I was suddenly aware of how important it was for me to open up my room to everyone that night. I wasn't even thinking about what it would feel like while I was cleaning earlier in the day. All I was thinking about was how in the world we were going to fit everyone in our apartment and what they were going to see.

The past few weeks I've been replaying this feeling in my mind. A part of me felt so much joy and an interesting closeness to our team. Another part of me was resisting the urge to build some really quick walls to hide vulnerability. This was my insecurity, my deep desire to be accepted and liked. 

Before Mike and I moved to Texas I thought church planting would be long nights, long talks, lots of cooking, and an endless amount of dishes. I am learning that these things are certainly apart of church planting, but it is not all that it is. 

Church planting is mostly about opening up your room to a bunch of people. 

Its about vulnerability, being real, and living with people. It is about sharing your struggles and victories. Its about letting the real and living Gospel show up through you no matter how messy it may look. 

Its about deciding to open up the doors of your room.

Its about letting people in. 

It is about letting Jesus in. 

I think that vulnerability may be an endless battle that rages inside of my mind and my heart. I will probably be working on insecurity issues until I am like 80 years old. But I don't want to ever give up on fighting that battle because its in vulnerability where we find Jesus. And I so want him in my room. 

So let them see my mix matched pillow cases! Let them see my empty walls! Let them see my dirty dishes! Welcoming people to my life, and to the heart of the Gospel is of more importance than looking pretty. So come on in, the doors are open.