His Plan

Before the Task

         I remember the first time I ever saw my husband. I was just coming home with my best friend and he was sitting on my couch with my big brother. I gave him a quick side glance and told myself no. When I first heard that he was coming to do a summer internship at our church, I was resolved not to date a guy who went to Wesley College. These guys always seemed to date sisters and it always ended in broken hearts (haha). Years later, I realize they aren't so bad after all. Many of these guys are now our close friends. 

        What won me was how incredibly easy it was for me to talk to him. I was struck by how completely honest he was. He saw things as they were and was not afraid to say it. I loved this, but it also made me nervous (haha). He was confident, clever, he knew what he wanted, and if you talked with him long enough you would realize that he genuinely loved people and worked hard to be a loyal friend. I feel like he really saw me that summer. He wasn't afraid to ask questions. 

In the end, I fell for a Wesley College guy in my own kitchen ...how could I have been so reckless (haha)!!

        In our three years of marriage I am learning new things about him that I love. I am amazed at his humble heart and the fact that he is teachable. He challenges me here, because I am the kind of the person that wants to be good at something the first try. But he doesn't mind to learn, in fact he welcomes it, and most people don't know this about him when they first meet him. Mike is also genuinely happy most days. I know this may be a hilarious point to bring up, but all I know is that we have fun, and we laugh, and we move on when we fight, mostly because he is positive. Even though my emo/ deep thinking/ the world's gonna end side gets frustrated I am so grateful for his attitude. It changes the tone in our house. 

          As we have pursued church planting, we are beginning to see new things come to the surface. I have had the privilege of seeing a more vulnerable side of Mike in the past few months. There are a lot of decisions to make, a lot questions people are asking, and a lot of answers we just don't have. Sometimes we feel like we are 'making it up as we go along' (to quote the infamous Indiana Jones). We are learning that a good bowl of cereal is as good a dinner as any. That sometimes jobs don't just happen. We are learning what church really is, and Who the church belongs to. I'll be the first to say that church planting has already put us to the test in many ways already. But one thing that I admire most about Mike in this season of our lives is his vulnerable and resilient bravery. It takes a brave person to resist making decisions based on fear and deadlines. It takes a brave person to take his eyes off the task and put them on Christ (someone who is invisible, and sometimes really quiet). It takes a brave person to not turn to a plan B at the edge of the unknown. It takes a brave person to say that it is ok if they don't know, if they don't get the credit, if they don't have the answers all the time. It is this quality that makes me confident that I would follow Mike anywhere. 

I say all this not to just brag on Mike (even though I am totally ok with doing that), but to remind myself that I loved Mike before all that we had to do. 

Before the sermons, before the outreaches, before moving to Texas, before planting a church. 
I fell in love with just him. I don't love him more because he has titles or experience. These things just bring out what God was already putting inside of Him. My love grows the more time we have together. 

I loved Mike before the task, and this makes me sure that I will love him after. 

 'The Office.'  

Lancaster Avenue

There is a street near downtown Fort Worth called Lancaster Avenue. Most everybody in Fort Worth knows about this particular street. In one area the street is lined with homeless shelters and resource centers. When Mike and I first moved to Fort Worth we drove through this area and were overwhelmed with the amount of people we saw huddled at the doors of these shelters with all their belongings stuffed in black garbage bags. This overwhelmed feeling, turned to burden, that eventually turned into action. 

A couple in our launch team connected us with a woman named Marcia who has been serving in this area for many years now. She usually takes young people out to hand out pizza and tube socks to anyone who will take them. She also makes a point to have real conversations with these people about what is important to them. She is enthralling to watch. She asks them questions, holds their hands, prays for them, understands them. She gives those without homes dignity and points them to Christ. She says, "They are just people who are down on their luck...just people like us." 

One of my biggest fears in ministry is the inability to relate. I fear this more than speaking or even leading. Sometimes those in need have tragic stories and overwhelming experiences that they cope with every day. Sometimes those in need live in the cold and only think about survival. Sometimes those in need had no choice within their circumstances. They were betrayed, abandoned, broken, and forgotten. So when a person says, "What right have you to tell me anything. You don't know what I've been through." I would have to say, "You're right. I don't know." Conversation over. How effective was that... This is the ultimate call out...This is scary to me. 

I have to be honest and say that sometimes this fear has caused me to close my eyes and turn the other way. But this is the greatest tragedy of all. 

I am coming to understand that feeling like I can't relate to those in need is not a good enough excuse. 



It. Is. Not. Good. Enough. This excuse is for those who choose to be blind. 

I am coming to understand that all people relate because they are people. It is the circumstances and the experiences that may not be the same. I could have ended up under a bridge, or waiting to get into a shelter just like the next guy. We are people, we make decisions, we make mistakes, and things just happen. We are all in need.   

I was praying about this insecurity this past week and was convicted when I felt the Lord ask me this question: What would have happened to us if God would have said, "I don't think I will pursue humanity because I just don't really relate to them." 

God loved then pursued. 

For God so loved the world that He gave...

This brings great hope and freedom for those who feel locked in insecurity. 

We have the freedom to believe we aren't better than anyone. 

This means that if you love Christ, if you are burdened for those in need, if you love others, if you feel the call....this is all you need. 

This past Sunday Marcia took our launch team out to pass out pizza and care packages we had assembled earlier in the month. We followed her under bridges, up and down Lancaster, and into some of their homeless camps. It was pouring rain and freezing and exhilarating and real and we were happy. We were changing, we were relevant, we were like Jesus. 

We are loved. We love. We pursue. 

Little Kid Dog

This is Charlie. He is about 4 months old and has been an interesting addition to our little home. Mike and I found him on Craigslist this past January. I will never forget taking him home for the first time. He was a tiny fur ball that didn't make a sound and I was in love. He sat really still in my lap all the way home.... and Oh how this has changed...

Charlie is a miniature Australian shepherd. This breed is really smart and active. He is so attentive and I swear he understands what I am saying 99% of the time. He loves Mike and follows him around the house. He is also a herder dog. When we walk him he tries to heard all the runners that pass by. 

Charlie's accomplishments:

1. He knows how to sit

2. He knows how to come

3. He knows how to swim

 (We didn't know this until he jumped out of our kayak into the middle of a lake!)

4. He almost knows where to go to the bathroom

5. He has all his bottom teeth

This little kid dog has brought a lot of joy to our day to day. He has also caused us to learn the art of extreme patience at times. We love him, sweet Charlie. 

Inspiring Makers

I entered into a valentines loop giveaway last night on Instagram and came across a treasure trove of inspiring makers. I wanted to share my finds. Check them out! 

1. @wearableplanter 

Colleen Jordan designs beautiful planter necklaces and seed bombs. 

www.wearableplanter.com 

2. @anvilcreekco

This is a company based out of New South Wales. They create all natural soy wax candles

www.etsy.com/au/shop/AnvilCreekCo

3. @hello.halsted

Stephanie Jones creates unique titanium post earrings out of Chicago.

www.hellohalsted.etsy.com 

People in my room

Two Saturdays ago there were 30 people packed in my 750 square foot apartment.

I honestly was doubting if this would be possible.

I was proved wrong.

Mike and I hosted our January launch team party at our house. Our launch team parties are simple get togethers with every one who is committed or just plain interested in planting a church with us. It is chance to meet new people, catch up with old friends and make new ones. This last one was probably one of our best ones yet. We packed as many fold up chairs as possible along the edges of our living room. We also opened up the french doors to our bedroom and put some chairs in there too. It was madness, but fantastic madness. 

I found that this particular meeting put me to the test in some ways. As I was cleaning before the party I was realizing that every part of my house would most likely be on display. A large group of people would see the empty grey walls in our bedroom ( I plan on hanging pictures). They would see the sloppily painted paneling, and the fact that the refrigerator door is hooked on the wrong way. They would see our cheap target comforter and maybe notice that our pillow cases do not match in the least. The only thing that was not on display that night was our clothes closet in the farthest corner of our bedroom. I will not disclose to you what was packed in there to make room for everyone. 

There was a point during the evening when I was sitting on my bed with several other people ( it was being used as another piece of sitting furniture) and thinking, 

"There are so many people in my room..." 

Before I could figure out if this was ok with me or not, I realized that being in someone's room is something personal. It's usually a quiet place that is invitation only. If you're like me, it is a place where you quickly shove stuff before people come over. It is sometimes the place where you cry without reservation and fight most loudly. It is the place of rest when you are sick. Some rooms are safe havens, retreats, and almost sacred. When people are in your room they really see you. You become a little more vulnerable than usual. No hiding. 

In this moment I was suddenly aware of how important it was for me to open up my room to everyone that night. I wasn't even thinking about what it would feel like while I was cleaning earlier in the day. All I was thinking about was how in the world we were going to fit everyone in our apartment and what they were going to see.

The past few weeks I've been replaying this feeling in my mind. A part of me felt so much joy and an interesting closeness to our team. Another part of me was resisting the urge to build some really quick walls to hide vulnerability. This was my insecurity, my deep desire to be accepted and liked. 

Before Mike and I moved to Texas I thought church planting would be long nights, long talks, lots of cooking, and an endless amount of dishes. I am learning that these things are certainly apart of church planting, but it is not all that it is. 

Church planting is mostly about opening up your room to a bunch of people. 

Its about vulnerability, being real, and living with people. It is about sharing your struggles and victories. Its about letting the real and living Gospel show up through you no matter how messy it may look. 

Its about deciding to open up the doors of your room.

Its about letting people in. 

It is about letting Jesus in. 

I think that vulnerability may be an endless battle that rages inside of my mind and my heart. I will probably be working on insecurity issues until I am like 80 years old. But I don't want to ever give up on fighting that battle because its in vulnerability where we find Jesus. And I so want him in my room. 

So let them see my mix matched pillow cases! Let them see my empty walls! Let them see my dirty dishes! Welcoming people to my life, and to the heart of the Gospel is of more importance than looking pretty. So come on in, the doors are open. 

The Graduate

So I received my diploma in the mail the other day. I could hardly breathe as I opened the package. I think I remember myself hopping up and down in a parking lot as I ripped it open. I had waited and worked a long time for that piece of paper. That small moment in the parking lot was so personally important. It was not the traditional graduate moment in a hat and gown, hearing my name called, and walking across a stage, but it was my moment. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I officially finished classes around the same time we moved out to Texas. There was so much going on in those few months before our move. My last semester I worked like a robot. I didn't take it in, I just worked. This past week I have had some time to think back on my college experience. It was a pretty untraditional road, but I met so many amazing people and learned so many different things. I went to four schools and pursued three different majors. Yeah... I was that kid. I didn't have it all figured out then...but I can't say that I have it all figured it now haha.

I want to remember so I decided to share some of my favorite memories and lessons. 


1. Toccoa Falls College (Major: Cross-Cultural Adult Education Minor: Ethnomusicology) 
  
- My ethnomusicology classes! One of my finals was listening to pieces of music and writing down the composer and time period. This is harder than it sounds. The first day of this class my professor told us that we didn't know how to listen to music and that he was going to teach us how...and he did. I also took a world music class that covered cultural music. We took a trip out to Emory in Atlanta to play an ancient gong instrument that was played in Emporers' palaces in Asia. I remember we had to take our shoes off for the entire session out of respect. 

- There was a beautiful waterfall on campus. Some people said that a Native American princess committed suicide by jumping off of the falls. It was the classic Romeo and Juliet legend. She apparently had a lover from a rival tribe that she could not be with. 

-My Hmong friends! This was a beautiful community of students at Toccoa. They introduced me to Pho for the first time. It was the best soup I had ever had. 

- A girls dorm. I remember getting used to living with all girls. It was very intense at times, but other times is was so much fun! I didn't grow up with sisters, but I gained some during that time. 


2. Kennesaw State University (Major: Art Education)

- Studio Classes! I took several art studio classes like drawing and 2D design. I had never thought I was much of a drawer, but I learned that it could be taught. I loved everything about these classes. I always had some kind of chalk or paint on my hands. We worked on easels the whole class period in rustic studios that smelled like paint. I learned how to look at things differently. I learned how to pay attention to light, detail, and composition. The art department was a different world. The students had wild hair and interesting vocabulary. They were experimental and honest. It was refreshing. 

-Nude Models. Yes one of my classes required us to draw nude models. We were learning how to draw the human form. I remember the first class, I probably turned five different shades of red. I learned how to open my eyes in this class. Believe it or not, there is something so deeply amazing when you can draw the perfect curve of a shoulder or even a facial expression. I remember being grateful and amazed at the way that God created every detail of the human body. 

-Art History! I am in love with art history. In these classes we studied works of art, technique, and how art is one of the greatest indicators of a culture and time. 

- Independence. I learned how to enjoy being by myself during this time. I loved being able to navigate unknown and sometimes uncomfortable territory. I loved all the different people that I met and how they didn't believe like I did. I found out what I believe. It stretched me for the better. I feel like I became more relevant in those few semesters. 


3. Columbus State University (Major: Business) 

-Married, Commuter Student. I learned about the challenges of being married and still going to college. It is possible if you stick to your guns! 

-Planning ahead. I learned the art of planning ahead. I drove an hour to school and was in full time ministry. 


4. Ohio Christian University (Major: Business Management)

- Perseverance even if no one is looking! Online school is a different world. You don't see your classmates or professors and sometimes you feel a little alone. But it is doable and works out for the hermit perfectionist types like me haha. 

- A love for meaningful business. I learned that business can really make an impact on the world. I believe that God can use it to accomplish His purposes. 

- Quiet Celebration. I learned that some of my accomplishments would only be seen and felt by me. It was important for me to acknowledge those wins and keep going. 



There is so much more that I could probably say about my college experience. It was unique, long, lonely, challenging, exciting, and worth it. It was mine. 

I am thankful for my parents for being patient and supportive through all of my changes. 
I am thankful for my husband for reminding that I am more than what I do in school, for seeing my hard work and my wins, and for being my consistent cheerleader especially during online education.